I'm gonna have a badass scar
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
