Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
