Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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