cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
