well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
