Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
