someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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