I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
