so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
