Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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