You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
