I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
