i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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