Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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