Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
