Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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