woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize