i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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