remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
