my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
