my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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