He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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