I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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