what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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