Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
