I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
no you cant smoke seaweed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize