girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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