This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
