He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
