hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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