It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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