dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
