He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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