absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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