I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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