you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
