I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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