life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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