You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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