i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
