you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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