Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
