It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
