She went from zero to smokin in five shots
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Drake has all the answers
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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