Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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