Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
