im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
