She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well I just put wine in my tea
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
