I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
