Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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