I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
