there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
