i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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