why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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