a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
