My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
